I've always been the type to believe that God helps those who help themselves. And up to today, I still believe it, but now I also believe that He wants us to also just 'give up' and surrender to him completely.
Lately, God has been hammering me and molding me into something completely different than what my sinful nature desires. Believe me that it is a constant fight going inside of me between my flesh and God's Spirit. Change does not happen overnight and I've accepted that fact. I've also accepted the fact that although my sinful desires and my flesh will always be on the prowl to watch me fall into sin or temptation, I want nothing more than to be able to live freely in Jesus Christ and his grace and mercy.
My blog is titled 'La Vida Libre' or Live as Free, but the honest truth is that I have not been living as freely as I may seem to portray to others, or even on my posts. I've been held captive by sin, guilt and shame not realizing that Jesus paid it all for me and that his grace goes deeper than the deepest seas and higher than my eyes can ever see. I thank God that he sent his son Jesus Christ to redeem us all from the bondage of our sin and to live freely in his grace.
One of the things that I've always held on to is getting things done my way and on my terms, on my time. But God has different plans for me now. He allowed me to give in fully into this pleasure for some reason, maybe to come to this point in my life where I've finally had enough and wanted nothing but Jesus and for him to change my life completely. Ever since I can remember I thought that if I wanted something I had to go out and make it happen. This is true, still, and I'm not saying we don't need to go out and work for what we want, but what I'm trying to get at here is that I feel God is telling me that I don't need to do anything right now. It sounds so contrary to what I've always believed and for that reason it makes it so difficult for me to accept it fully. I am drawing nearer to this truth every day though, because lately I've realized that it's all I can do. If I worry about what's going on in my life right now with a certain issue that I have, nothing will change by worrying. I am doing my best to lean on God and his Word and in prayer to walk this life with him and to trust him in this process going on in my life right now.
I am learning to trust in Him because I'm tired of trying to always fix things in order for them to go my way. Everything that I do to "fix" my problems just makes everything worse. Instead of moving forward I take a step further back to where things started. It's a scary process in my life right now because of the unknown, but I shouldn't be worried, right? God's ways are better than mine and I need to trust in his truth, not my understanding or my attempts to fix my life.
I can truly say that God is breaking me down into pieces to build me back up but into someone new. I want this so badly because I'm tired of the way I've been for far too long. I want real change in my life. I want my walk with God to be joyous and happy. It sounds cheesy but it's true. I want to trust in Him that whatever happens with my situation He will give me what's best.
The girl I am in love with is the reason I write all of this. God has placed her in my life and has taught me a lot about myself through her in ways I never imagined. I've learned the ugly truth about myself and I'm so thankful that it has come to light in my life because now that needs to change. Only God knows if we are meant for each other, and although I love her with everything, I know that I must be obedient to God first.
So from now on, I will let go and let God do his work in my life. I will do my best to restrain myself from making decisions that only seem to hurt me or put me further back in life. Fully surrendering the fight is sometimes the best thing we can do so God can finally come and rescue us. He's just waiting patiently for us to stop trying to fight and do things on our own.