Lately I've been really having to be strong in changing alot of things in my life. I know I won't ever reach perfection. I also won't ever be able to fully change all of my ways as much as I try.
I'm at a point in life where a lot of things are happening and a lot of things are changing for me. One of the main things that is really affecting me right now is the fact that I'm fighting to keep the girl I love in my life. To make a long story short, I had the pleasure to be a couple with her but I ruined it after two years and now I've come back to my senses and know for a fact that she is the 'one' for me. No doubt about it.
I know our relationship before was not the healthiest or the best in many ways. The most important thing we forgot to keep in our relationship was God. We forgot that we were not the center of attention, but God instead. It was rocky at times but also very smooth at the same time. We both knew we has put more focus on each other and not on God, and we tried to change that a few times but it just always cycled back to our previous point.
After our breakup I realized a lot of things about myself that I knew existed but never really desired to change until now. I soon figured out that she was the love of my life (other than God of course) and I did not want to lose her ever. I've made it clear to her that I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life. She understands this completely, and she's made it very clear that she simply wants to be friends at this point and would like to take things slow this time and see where this goes. Taking things slow is probably the best thing that can happen for both of us, especially for me. I'm a very impatient person with things I feel should go my way. I want them now and not have to wait for them. We've made it clear that things have to change and we have to make an effort to keep God at the center of our relationship whether it be just as friends or even a couple later on. I love the fact that she wants to do things differently this time because it gives me hope that one day we will get back again. Which leads me to the things I realized about myself.
For one thing I've come to realize that I am the type of person that has always needed a partner to feel content or happy. I don't know what made me this way that I need to have affection from the other person in order to feel wanted? I know a lot of other people like this too. There is a very clear and dangerous problem with this though. If I, or anyone else, becomes dependent on someone else for happiness or joy in life then we've lost sight of God. We have completely forgotten that it is God who gives us a reason to live and look forward to our day. God tells us in his Word that we should not set our hopes and strength in man because man (also women) will always let us down and we cannot depend on them. God is the only one that can give us hope and strength in life. When we are at our lowest God is always there with us and inviting us to his arms to be consoled.
This is the problem that I want to address personally in my relationship and that maybe some of you guys might also need work on. Just like I do, we all need to realize soon that we can't rely on someone else for our happiness. Of course we want to feel loved by someone and have that affection and close connection. There aren't many people who are happy being alone in this world, at least I'm not one of them. I like the idea of having someone there for me by my side on rough days or when I'm feeling down. But in my relationship, I made the other person the one who gave me strength and hope. That's where I messed up. That's what I want to restore. I'm praying and asking God to let me dwell in him and to set my hope and strength in him. It's so hard for me to imagine a life without that person, especially when you just know they are 'the one'. It almost feels as if this situation is hanging by a thread and any tug or wrong movement will tear it all apart. In reality, it is a sensitive situation because I feel as if God is giving me this new opportunity with her and I want to make the best of it.
After breaking up with her and now that I regret doing that, God has taught me many things. He's let me see the areas in my life that I need to change because if I don't then they will follow me through the rest of my life and even into my marriage and onto my children. Almost like a curse. And I don't want that for myself or my future marriage and family.
That's why I think this breakup and heartache has been a blessing to me more than a bad thing. Of course it hurts to know that the person you love doesn't feel the same for you because you hurt them enough to the point that they moved on from those feelings. It hurts. But I am also thankful for it, because of that happening she was able to get closer to God in her relationship and now I am also doing the same. We have both realized that we needed God more than we needed each other. As hard as it is for me to be okay with this situation, I can't forget that God is in control. He will ultimately decide what will happen between us two and I have to be ready for that. I have to be ready to live life with or without her. Life goes on and we learn valuable lessons- some of them come from learning the hard way.
I'm learning to live my life seeking God for approval and not someone else. I'm learning to change those ways that hinder me from fully seeking God because they will ultimately rot my life and marriage one day if I do not act on changing them. I have come to see the man that I am now in life and how I don't want to be this man, I want to be a different man for God, myself, my future wife, and for my family. Getting married will not change any of my ways or make everything miraculously different. Change starts now, not later. Some of us hold on to dark secrets that need to come out to light in order to begin change. I know how hard it is to change that which keeps us chained. God never intended you to be chained and feel like you have nowhere to go.
Look to God for assurance. If you're anything like me, you'll want to run to someone to make you feel wanted or secure, but honestly, nothing can beat having that feeling from God. I want to know that God is the one I am seeking for my happiness and not a girl. If she's the one for me God will allow me the blessing of uniting with her one day, I know it. But until then I need to also work on being patient and content where I am at now and to work towards my relationship with God more than anything else.